today i let go of a big thing. my big girl bed. as some of you may know, i've sold my house (the closing is on monday) and i'm downsizing to a fabulous 1920's apartment, just up the road! we'll talk about that in more detail later, but right now it's all about my bed. i woke up at 4 f'ing 30 this morning, with my mind racing with all the things i have to do. for clients and for myself and my kids as we move forward on this next adventure. from the sweet, perfectly comfortable haven of my bed, i gazed out the window (yeah, no shit it was still really dark and i couldn't see much, but i know what's out there!), i soaked up the shadows on the wall, i smiled at my favorite capiz shell light that hangs over my bed, i rolled over and pretended the stack of (literally 5) pillows next to me was really the physical being that is the love of my life... and i cried. life has come so far on this mattress. and with this bed.
i absolutely love this pic of my bed. i took this one morning when the light was just starting to come through the window (because i have a slight obsession with the beauty of natural light) and i love pictures of unmade beds. i've never been one to make my bed. what's the point?? i'm just going to get back in it several hours later!! :)
anyway. my bed story starts with the mattress actually. i got it when i was married. it's 100% natural latex, covered in organic cotton (yeah, cause i'm crunchy like that!). he didn't like it. it was too firm. i ordered a mattress topper (also organic fluff ;) and fancy sheets. he still didn't like it. we changed to another mattress but kept this one, which came in handy when i later moved downstairs to a separate room and slept on this mattress on the floor. sadly, it felt ok. after i left, this mattress was again on the floor, but this time, of the apartment i'd escaped to. it felt right. it was a new chapter and it was all going to be ok. painful as it was. 6 months later, i bought my house and the first thing i did was order my fancy pants, big girl bed. it was actually the most money i've ever spent on any piece of furniture in my life!! but the perfect simplicity... and the fabulous fabric... and my mattress fit just right... and after having survived 5 different beds in a disastrous relationship, it was good and right to have a special place just for me.
this picture is so wonderful, because of many things!! one. it shows how early on this was because there are still the totally yucky white blinds on that window!! two. that hide pillow was one of the things i brought with me from my old house, because someone else wouldn't have appreciated it. three. my daughter is reading to us and my son is doing his absolute best not to jump in and take over (i have video and it makes me cry!!). four. through the years of being in this house, my kids have wandered into my room to just roll around on the mattress, to read to themselves or each other, or to painfully wake me up at some stupid, god-awful time in the middle of the f'ing night.
when we all had lice. yes, you read that correctly :( since my bed is all upholstery, not only did i sleep with my head wrapped in a shower cap, i slept with my head at the foot of the bed where there is less upholstery! i vacuumed the bed everyday. there was no way in hell i was getting rid of that bed due to a lice infestation!! i came out stronger in the end. and got to keep my bed :)
so my bedroom has been photographed a few times for various magazines. this is funny because it's not landed in one magazine. ever. it just refuses to photograph well! it's been shot with 4 different rugs, different art, different nightstand styling, multiple pillows... all to no avail. this is the most comfortable place in the world for me and yet, that (apparently) can't be captured on film.
this is my favorite styled shot (thank you jeff herr photography!). but any picture will probably never really do my bed the justice it deserves. it's been a safe haven. a literal shoulder to cry on, as i lay there (going through a divorce, general heartbreak, receiving the call that my aunt was dying after a massive stroke). it's been a place of renewal (on a nightly basis) and a place of release and intimacy (definitely not nightly, but enough to count ;).
so back to letting go. my bed really has meant so much to me on so many different levels. but, today, i sold it and delivered it to a friend, who will probably use it in his rental apartment. in the end, it's just a thing that can serve someone else in a practical way. and that's ok. i will also keep it close to my heart and firm in my memory of good things in my life :).